For the Sacred
by Mystic25
Summary: Another version of what Max confessed to Father Destry at the end of Pollo Loco. My second, cept this one's a bit longer, and goes deeper then my previous one.


"For the Sacred"   
  
Mystic25 (yellowrubberduck31@hotmail.com)   
  
SUMMARY: Another version of what Max confessed to Father Destry at the end of Pollo Loco. My second, cept this one's a bit longer, and goes deeper then my previous one.  
  
RATING: PG13 for situations  
  
DISCLAIMER: They all belong to Cameron. Happy?  
  
A/N: I am in no way trying to offend anyone of the Christian religion in this story. I merely am presenting the views and opinions of someone who never believed fully in God, but is talking to someone who does. I do believe in God, and do have respect for religious establishments. If you don't take it that way I presented it, that is not my intention, and sorry to say, not my problem. Don't flame me about me MAKING you read my fic. Remember I didn't tie you down and force you into reading this.   
  
*****   
  
"There's no one to fret, no one to bless me for being a good girl, no one to punish me for being wicked" ~Mary Malone "The Amber Spyglass"  
  
*****  
  
OUR LADY OF THE SACRED HEART   
  
"So how does this work?"  
  
Father Destry looked through the window of the confessional at the young woman who had sought his guidance. "You talk"  
  
"Just talk?"  
  
"Yes my child. Just say what you feel in your deepest thoughts."  
  
"I'm not anybody's child"  
  
Destry's brow furrowed at her snap back. Her eyes were sad, but they were also on fire. "We are all children of the Lord."   
  
"I could tell you things that would change your mind Father" Max laughed to herself softly and dryly. Not out of disrespect, but out of the disbelief that she painfully knew better then this holy man of God.   
  
Destry was silent, not allowing a remark to pass his lips. He had taken his vows a long time ago to never judge the people who came to him, but to listen. He raised his hand above the window, making the sign of the cross with his fingers "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen"  
  
Max said nothing. She waited, waited for a right moment that would never come.  
  
Father Destry started instead "You came to me because you are troubled."  
  
Max's eyes fixed on him, looking at the priest when most people in confession kept their eyes averted from the Father, out of respect, or taboo of looking at a holy man when talking about their sins. "Do you know what it's like to kill someone?"  
  
Her statement was so abrupt the young priest was momentarily caught off guard. She spoke with knowledge, knowledge of something she didn't want to have knowledge of.   
  
"If this was out of self defense-"  
  
"Not out of self defense" Max interrupted him "Do you know what it's like to feel the warm, sticky blood of someone you see in your eyes as a target, labeled to you as nothing but prey. To hear his breath stop until it's gone completely. But you don't feel bad for doing it. You don't feel evil, or wicked. And some part deep inside your soul gets a kick out of it. An adrenaline rush that can't be surpassed by anything. You have now become equal to God, you can create life, and you can take it away."  
  
"None of us are equal to the Lord" Destry spoke, his voice steady even after all he just heard. "That is why we are human. Why Adam and Eve were cast out of paradise. The forbidden fruit from the tree that was eaten by Eve forever tempted mankind into things they knew cast them into sin, but they did because it created in them a new sense of wild desire, a passion that cannot be equaled. And as humans we would want more and more of this temptation even at the cost of eternal damnation"  
  
"Is that why you give all of that up in the Church?"  
  
Destry nodded quietly "Desire takes away from the work of our Lord. We strip away our impurities and leave nothing but our naked souls so that we are not hindered by any unseen burdens." A pause "That is why you have come to me I believe." His gaze shifted slightly "You are covered with something you wish to have stripped away, something your soul wants to wash off"  
  
"Blood never washes off your hands Father"  
  
"But our Lord can forgive you for the REASON the blood was spilt and the stains will only serve as memory of what has been forgiven."  
  
This time Max was ready to explain the real reason she came here. "The man who attacked you. He-He was my brother"  
  
Destry took a silent look of surprise again, but he continued to listen.   
  
"Something happened to him when we were kids. Your religion might call it a blessing and a curse. He learned of the Lady, the one that sits in your church"   
  
"The Virgin Mary" Destry informed, "The mother of our Savior Jesus Christ, whom she gave birth to as a pure, untouched woman."   
  
"Our lives weren't easy when we were kids" Max continued, "We were worked hard all day, and taught-things. Things no ordinary children would learn."  
  
/FLASH: "Don't underestimate them" Deck warned to the prisoner about to play in his game/   
  
"God for us was the bark of men shouting at us to obey orders"   
  
/FLASH: "Move move! Stay in line!"/  
  
"The only sins we could commit would be failing to complete our objective, and most of them included the taking of human lives"  
  
/FLASH: The prisoner fell and they jumped him, kicking him before he could get away/   
  
"But killing wasn't evil for us. It was something that came as natural as breathing. We didn't think of it as sin, it was a task, an efficiency, and sometimes pleasure, because we were doing what we were designed to do."  
  
"When did that change for you?" Destry could sense she was going somewhere. The woman who sat before him, who he had seen in the past few days, she was not the unfeeling killer she now talked about.  
  
Rather then explain that, Max went on to describe when Ben developed his faith, something that might explain both things if she told it right. "Despite the way we were efficiently raised we suffered from flaws, seizures. On one occasion someone slipped a picture into one of my brothers' hands during one of his fits. It had a picture of the Lady on it. She was-she was so beautiful that we began to wonder how something so pure could exist in a world we were taught was corrupt and filthy."  
  
/FLASH: "She's beautiful" Max stared at the picture of the Blue Lady with the others/   
  
"My brother Ben began to make up stories about her. He called her the Blue Lady. We knew nothing of Jesus or the Virgin Mary, but our version of her existence in our lives wasn't too far off from yours. Ben made up a whole world around her. How she sent souls to the Good Place when they died if they were worthy of it, and how the Nomalies who lived in the dark basements would destroy the evil ones. He even built her a shrine, a shrine of teeth-"  
  
Destry remembered seeing a bloody cloth at the alter of the Virgin one night. He was on his way out and didn't lift the cloth, but the smell of blood was unmistakable.  
  
"Every time we lost baby teeth we gave it to the Lady. Ben said it would make her stronger"   
  
"And did you believe this?"  
  
"I wanted to." Max blinked "Nothing in our lives was ever so-simple. A few baby teeth at the feet of a Lady in return for having someone watch our backs forever, no strings attached. /FLASH: "Most kids had the tooth fairy, we had her"/ "But She came with a double standard. We believed so faithfully in her and offered her shiny presents, but even during the hardest missions she was silent. We never saw the protection that man promised us She would give. Ben became obsessed with this. He had taught us how to love and honor the Lady, and she had betrayed him."   
  
/FLASH: Ben shouted into the night on the rooftop, pleading with the Blue Lady, asking her why she didn't do anything/   
  
"Feeling betrayal from your beliefs is one of the hardest things to deal with" Destry agreed "It's as now you have no idea if what you believed so faithfully all this time has been nothing but a lie"  
  
"Ben never stopped believing in Her" Max corrected, "That's why he did what he did. He never stopped trying to please the Lady. To get Her to notice the things he did for Her."   
  
"Was he like this in his teen years?"  
  
"I don't know Father" Max told him  
  
Destry was silent, but he wanted to know how this could be true.   
  
"My siblings and I were eventually split up as children and raised apart. I only learned of Ben being here three days ago."  
  
"When the murders started"   
  
Max agreed silently "Ben has a mark on his neck. A barcode tattoo-"  
  
Destry's hand rubbed the back of his neck, where the tattoo had been placed on his own neck by Ben before he tried to kill him.   
  
"I was told that there was a body in the morgue with the same tattoo-"   
  
/FLASH: "Yesterday a body was found in the woods outside of the city. Had a barcode on the back of his neck"/  
  
"You believed your brother was dead?"  
  
Max went quiet then- "I hadn't seen him since I was nine. I didn't want to believe that this was how we would meet up again. But when I found out it wasn't him, I didn't know what to think"  
  
"I'm sure you were relieved to know it wasn't him. As many years as you spent apart. He was still your brother"   
  
"He murdered all those people Father" Max broke in "He killed them and took out their teeth and gave them to the Lady. He never stopped believing the teeth made her stronger. I found out later that he tattooed every one of them with his own mark. He wasn't killing those people; he was killing himself, over and over again. He created his belief in the Lady, but because she never answered him, he thought he was messed up, that he was one of those nomalies."  
  
/FLASH: "You're the nomalie, the monster in the basement. Some part of you wants to end it, so end it. You can't keep trying to recreate Manticore"/  
  
"Every time he laid teeth in front of Her they were his teeth. He wouldn't ever believe he would regain the Lady's blessing. He would've keep killing, killing everyone he could get his hands on, because it would never be enough." Her eyes rose to look directly at the Father "He wanted to kill you, for me"  
  
/FLASH: "This is for you Maxie, so you'll finally understand what I'm doing"/  
  
Destry blinked, but said nothing.   
  
"He wanted to reminded me that I wasn't different from him. We grew up and were raised the same way. As sick as his murders were Ben never try to deny what he was. And I stopped him. I fought him because I didn't want to remember the way we were raised, because then I would start to remember what I really was. Ben--he wouldn't let me go, he wouldn't let me leave him after I brought him to the ground" now her voice was sad as she reached the true core of her reason for coming here at all.   
  
/FLASH: "Please, stay with me. Don't let them take me."  
  
"Ben I can't carry you we'll both get caught"  
  
"Please! You know what they'll do to the ones like me; they'll put me down there with them-the nomalies. please"/  
  
There was a long pause, a moment where she almost was about to cry, but held back and went on, like a dying man trying to get out his last words through choking breaths. "He told me to tell him about the Good Place. The place where no one yells at you, no one punishes you, where you can sleep as late as you want"  
  
"It's a beautiful place" Destry agreed "Our church knows it as Heaven. Something the Parish cannot even fathom because we've never experienced anything so perfect in this earthbound world"   
  
"I told him about it" Max continued, "I held him and told him the stories again. I barely remembered them, but I didn't have too. Ben remembered them all. And when he talked about it his voice was just like I remembered it when we were kids-And while he was talking I just reached behind his hair and snapped his neck"  
  
Destry's smile from her description faded at that remark.   
  
"And it was over-" Max blinked, and this time a tear broke from her eye and dropped onto the bench she was sitting at "There were-people after him, after me. I heard them coming. And I just left him there. I laid him down and ran, never looking back. I know they took him away, and I didn't do a damn thing to stop it."  
  
"You feared for your life" Destry informed "If these men are as bad as you say they would've done terrible things to you if you stayed"   
  
"But what about Ben?" Max's sadness turned passionate "He only wanted me to stay. But I didn't. I didn't because I was taught not to. I was taught that gripping the back of someone's neck and snapping the second vertebra in their spinal column would kill them instantly. So I did what I was taught. I killed my brother, and that feeling deep inside my gut was still there, getting a rile out of the sound of death and the smell of blood. I guess I can never really forget the way I was raised."  
  
"Our upbringings play a powerful role in our lives" Destry spoke "We can try to ignore it, push it aside in some dark corner, but it will always be there waiting. That's why we must confront our past, and our past wrongs, if we are to ever grow and to heal."  
  
"I killed my brother Father. I snapped his neck without even thinking-"  
  
"Did you love him?"  
  
Max nodded, more tears fell from her eyes "But I couldn't save him. I couldn't be there for him when it counted the most"   
  
"He would've kept killing if you hadn't stopped him"  
  
"There are no Jungle Laws here Father" Max sniffed "I wasn't in a situation of kill or be killed. I killed him because I realized no one would ever see him for the way he used to be. He'll always be branded a killer, no matter what else happened. No one would ever understand him more then that."  
  
/FLASH: "If your brother was a murderer would you want everyone to know?"/  
  
"But you did" Destry argued, "You saw the sheep beneath the wolf clothing. The part of your brother you always remembered loving. The rest of the world's judgments are not our burdens to bear. No matter what they think you know that you loved him, and you did save him, even under the terrible circumstances surrounding it. You saved him from himself."   
  
"Is their some kinda brownie point system for killing to save someone? It's doable because you were trying to right a wrong? Because I wasn't just killing Ben out there. I was killing me. Ben was still that part of me that lusts for blood and bone snaps. I'm no better the Ben, we're siblings for a reason."  
  
"But you can seek redemption for your actions. No matter how terrible, or henious you think your crimes. Our Lady is a beacon unto God himself. That is why she sits in our church, ready to listen to the sins off all those who enter here"  
  
"What kinda redemption is this?" Max asked in disbeleif "I murdered my brother with my bare hands, but I can be forgiven? Ben spent years trying to seek forgiveness from the Lady for such trivial things but she never spoke out even ONCE. She let him go insane with obsession and offer Her things She never needed. She can forvgive a woman who intentionally killed her own brother, but She can't forgive a little boy who only wanted to know he wasn't a mistake?"  
  
"She stopped his madness, "Destry told her softly "She led you to him. It was her statue that helped you find him. Her image that let you connect his tortured obsessions with the murders. His life may have ended, but his madness ended also. He will never feel unwanted by our Lady again."  
  
"Where does that leave me?" Max asked sadly. "The Judas in the garden of Gesthamane?" She wasn't religious, but she knew of Biblical knowledge.  
  
"Judas betrayed Jesus entirely in the garden. And our Savior knew of this betrayal before it began. And it made him very wary, knowing that the hour was approaching. Your brother knew nothing of your intentions. When you held him, I'm sure his mind thought of nothing but his sister, comforting him in his pain, staying beside him. You didn't betray your brother, you saved him. Saved him from a fate I'm sure you would never want him to have. You let him hold onto his Faith in the Lady, to the very end"  
  
"Don't talk to me about faith" Max informed "Faith lied to us. Faith made us believe that the Lady would protect us forever. It made us believe in the men who told us killing people was a natural task, our divine right because of the power we had. Where was faith when we found out none of it was true? Where was God when I killed my brother?"   
  
"He was there" Destry said "He was there crying with you. At your lost years of innocence, and the terrible decision He knew you had to make. He was there, but it's not in His wisdom to stop you. The Lord gave us free will, even for things that hurt, that shouldn't be." He paused "And He has already forgiven you for your actions."  
  
"But I can't" Max stated, "I'll never be as forgiving as God"  
  
"You don't have to be" Destry said "That's what our Lord gives us that no one else can-  
  
unconditional love. We can sin a thousand times and he will forgive us a thousand times, even if we will never forgive ourselves."   
  
"It's not that I won't forgive myself, I can't" Max swiped at her eyes "I can't forgive myself for what I did to Ben, even if it means living with this pain forever. Forgiving myself doesn't make him any less dead. God can even forgive me, but He can't erase what I did."   
  
"He cannot no, but His forgiveness is more powerful then you realize. Your burdens will always be there, but the won't be so heavy to bear after you seek the forgiving council of our Lord"   
  
"I don't care about being "saved" Father. I learned a long time ago that being alive makes you do many things that are beyond saving, but at least you are still alive and breathing. Not dying for a chance of a paradise you're not even sure is real. I don't want salvation."  
  
"Then why have you come to me? Why are you here unless some part of you seeks the forgiveness of someone ANYONE, whether or not you are aware you seek it"   
  
"I just want someone to listen" Max informed honestly "To shut up and just hear my guilt and not point fingers at me, or slam me with names, or try and analyze something they could NEVER begin to understand. And I knew you would do that. I don't want a big dealio speech about redeeming myself in the sight of God to save my soul. My soul isn't God's to save, it's mine, and I don't wanna save it, I just wanna find it" She didn't hold back then, her tears flowed down her face in anguish   
  
She bit back a sob that finally rose in her throat "I never hated you Ben. I loved you so much--but I couldn't go back to what we were." she talked to her brother as if he was right there "I can't ever go back-"  
  
Destry broke the taboo of just listening to hand Max a tissue through the slats of the confessional wall that separated them.  
  
Max didn't see it for a moment, but then she spotted it hovering above her face. She took it and held it to her face, wiping her eyes in a fast swipe.  
  
She turned her eyes back up to the priest "I'm sorry I can't don't this-" she opened the door to the confessional and let it fling wide, running down the aisle of the church.  
  
Destry came out of his side of the confessional, and stood in front of it watching her without a sound. A sadness in his eyes from her story, one that was hard to bear even for a priest. "Bless you"   
  
= = = =   
  
And I've got nothing to say  
  
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face   
  
(I was confused)   
  
Looking everywhere only to find  
  
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind  
  
(So what am I)   
  
What do I have but negativity   
  
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me   
  
(Nothing to lose)   
  
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone   
  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own   
  
= = = =   
  
Max ran through the doors of the church, down the steps until she reached where her motorcycle was parked behind the church. She ripped off the lock she had placed on it and slammed it into the wall with an angry force. She then slid onto her knees and sobbed.  
  
= = = =  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real   
  
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long  
  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along   
  
Somewhere I belong   
  
= = = =  
  
*****   
  
End   
  
Not a very happy fic. But it wasn't a happy episode. It was sad and haunting, so that's what I went for. Before anyone says 'Max should be more respectful in a church', I say "says who?" just because she chose to go into confession with Father Destry doesn't make her a born again Christian. She's still a haunted woman with a bad past. A lot of people put on a fake face when they meet church offiicals, like they have to be one hundred percent completely holy in the minister or priest's eyes. But I don't think Max would, she never did to anyone else. Why should Destry be an exception?   
  
Again I say I am a religious person, and this was not written to poke fun at Christianity or the specific beliefs of Catholicism. This was only written to show something bare and painful that had religous ties, but had more involvement with raw emotion more then the ideals of organized religion. Call it what you will, but that's what I was doing.  
  
The song at the end is "Somewhere I Belong" by: Linkin Park  
  
R/R please 


End file.
